You call yourselves “just friends,” but you know as well as everyone else does that you’re more than that. You know where he is when he’s not with you. You spend your weekends together. You travel together. You go to Ikea together. You say “we” a lot, and all of your other friends know who “we” is.

You are dating without benefits. You are serving all of the functions of life partner for each other, without, you know, any of the good stuff — romance, commitment, and sex. (Though any of these elements might sneak in and out of the relationship on occasion, usually aided by alcohol.) You are a substitute boyfriend or girlfriend, and this, my friend, could drag on for years, especially if neither of you meets someone else — someone you can call your actual boyfriend or girlfriend. This is not great news.

Related: The 5 Signs You’re A Filler Girlfriend

Here, a few other things I wish I’d known before getting entangled in this messy kind of coupling:

We all go through dry spells. We all know what it’s like. So let’s give ourselves permission to laugh about those moments when you realize it has been entirely too long since you last had sex. Here are 15 signs.

1. When you feel around on the empty half of your bed, you find a single snow boot, a Life Magazine from 1967, and a half-eaten animal cracker that you swear is judging you with his frowny circus animal half-face.

Plus: 7 Tips For Initiating Sex With Dignity

2. You didn’t know “condom dust” was a thing, until you checked the hidden pocket in your wallet.

3. You’ve stopped saying uber-confident stuff to your friends like, “Tonight, I’m going to Bonetown, Virginia!” and now mutter quietly to yourself about how you yearn for physical intimacy. And then you shed a single tear, unbeknownst to the revelers around you, who are, in fact, there for your birthday party.

4. Your mom’s like, “Are you getting enough sex, dear?”

Plus: 9 Reasons You Should Just Ask Them Out, Already

5. Your friends don’t even ask anymore.

6. You’ve kind of pretty much totally forgotten how to lip-kiss.

7. You have not plucked your Creepy Nipple Hair since before Carly Rae Jepsen was a thing.

8. You have looked at your naked reflection, stood tall, and said aloud, “I’m not that bad.”

9. You have looked at your naked reflection, stuck out your stomach, jiggled it around, frowned at your bellybutton, then ate ice cream in bed until you fell asleep.

Plus: 10 Reasons It’s Time To Bite The Bullet And Try Online Dating (Even If You Swore You Never Would)

10. You have almost successfully convinced yourself that nobody else in the whole world is having sex when your roommate — who has the same name as one of your parents — comes home with the loudest. One night stand. Of all time.

11. You know what’s better than sex?! Cheese. And RPGs. And watching Louie on Netflix, alone, in bed, with a box of white wine. Seriously, you all are missing out.

12. You’ve envisioned telling your next sex partner how long it’s been since your last sexual encounter, in case you do something severely incorrect.

Plus: 10 Things Women Forget To Do During Sex

13. Sometimes it feels like you are being beaten in the genitals with a wooden plank, but when you look down, nothing’s there.

14. Sometimes you forget you have sex parts.

15. You take comfort in knowing that you went 16 years without sex. Granted, that was from age zero to 16, but dammit, you can do it again if necessary!

First date, second date, kiss, have sex, meet the parents, move in, get engaged, get married, have kids.

This is the default for men and women living today in the United States (other countries may vary). Why is this our default?

Mostly because of Disney movies. That’s how we were programmed as a kid and that’s what we assume as adults. We unconsciously mold to this model, even when it’s not what we intended. Sometimes we meet girls and don’t want a relationship. What’s an honest man to do?

The secret is proactive communication. Read more…

Can I tell you something sort of depressing? The summer is almost over (okay, two sort of depressing things) … and I haven’t gotten any action in months. You guys, I need to have a summer fling. The weather will only be warm enough for strappy sundresses for a little while longer. I must put this tan to good use! To encourage and inspire this quest of mine — and yours, if you too are looking for a summer fling — I have made a list of 30 possible places to maybe might meet someone rad. Who knows … maybe they’ll be rad enough that our little fling will become the real thing come fall…

1. At a beach bar. I like heading out to Rockaway Beach in Queens and having a beer on the boardwalk before heading home. Plenty of city boys gettin’ their beach on to chat with.
2. At the sunglasses kiosk at the mall. Give your approval for him to buy those knockoff Ray-Bans.
3. Tubing. The first time I went tubing this summer, I hitched a ride on the back of a dude’s jet ski. I don’t mean that in a naughty way … or do I?
4. At a pig roast.
5. At the tanning salon where you’re making your summer glow last longer. Okay, so maybe only gorilla juiceheads like Pauly D get spray tans, but this is a fling we’re talking about, not the love of your life. Unless you go for that sort of thing long term.
6. At the local swimmin’ hole.
7. Music festival. You know you’ve already got something in common — a love of indie bands and a willingness to spend $5 on bottles of water!
8. A lobster bake. Share your pile of napkins with the funny dude making a mess.
9. Back to school sales. If you’re young enough to still in school, keep an eye out for dudes buying backpacks, notebooks, or university-affiliated hoodies. If you’re out of school, troll for ringless dads (a sign they might be single) buying lunchboxes.
10. At the marina. Lately I’ve been interested in hooking up with or dating someone with access to a boat. Sailor, pirate, or deckhand — you’ll find them all at the marina. Ahoy, boys!
11. Fishing off a pier. Even if you’re not fishing yourself, you can praise that large bass he just reeled in.
12. On a picnic.
13. Driving an ice cream truck. Think of the perks!
    
14. Freshman week at a college. Provided you’re still in school yourself, of course, freshman are fresh meat and fair game.
15. A wedding. Instead of dragging along a male friend as your date, go solo — there are guaranteed to be plenty of single fellas there as well.
16. Online. Sign up for How About We and suggest a date that takes advantage of the warm weather.
17. Bookstore. See someone pick up a copy of a book you loved? Say so, and then suggest something else they might like as well.
18. In the condiment aisle at the grocery store. Mmm, he likes spicy mustard too. 
19. At the ATM. Seriously, one of the Frisky gals actually met a dude while standing in line for the ATM, so I don’t see why it can’t happen to me too.
20. In the park.
21. At a rooftop party. Point out the awesome sunset to the nearest cute stranger.
22. Golf course or driving range. Maybe you’ll hit another kind of hole in one…
23. Beer garden. Drink fancy ales and discuss hop varieties with the hottie sitting alone at the bar.
24. Join a coed sports league. In years past, I have gotten so much action from playing in a bowling league. I’m thinking of taking up pool next.
25. Squirt gun fight. This is a little daring, but while hanging out at the park with friends, shoot unsuspecting (and cute) dudes nearby. Best case scenario he has a sense of humor and is single!
26. 5K finish line. Offer a hot fellow finish line crosses an impulsive-seeming congratulatory, “We did it!” hug.
27. While riding bikes. I once met a dude when my tire blew out and he helped me move my bike out of traffic.
28. At the bike shop. Maybe the guy repairing your busted bike will throw in a new basket and a date.
29. On a hike.
30. At the ER. Twisted your ankle on that hike? Bet the guy who broke his nose surfing that you’re in more pain.

Your evening guest might think twice about banging you in these beds…

As women, we’ve been programmed to think if we sleep with a guy on the first date, the relationship will never become serious. But we all know couples who went home together the first night and ended up married. So what gives?

In my opinion, it depends on two things: (1) Is the guy looking for a relationship? (2) And if so, would he have a relationship with a woman who would sleep with a guy on the first date?

So, when should you take the chance? If you find yourself in any of the following four situations, you just might want to go for it! Read more…

Horndogs looking for a quick cuddle-and-run, listen up. A new study from really smart scientists has found that the chances of a cuddle session leading to sex are only one in six.

Researchers at the University of Michigan looked at the methods, motivations and eventual outcomes of the average couple’s cuddling sessions, and the results show it usually only leads to conversation, not copulation.

I’ve noticed a startling trend in the dating world: Something I’ll call the “faux-girlfriend” phenomenon. That’s when a guy treats you like a girlfriend in a lot of ways — you spend holidays together, you’ve met his parents, you have your own clothes drawer at his place. In fact, things are so girlfriend-y that it seems the next logical step would be fiancee-y and then wife-y. But something insidious and underhanded is going on. There are men out there (and women too, I imagine) who treat you like a girlfriend — but not really. That’s usually because while he wants the regularity and companionship of a real girlfriend, he doesn’t want the responsibility, the downsides, or the idea of cutting off his options.

How do you know if you might be the faux-girlfriend? Here’s six bigtime clues. Read more…

• I’m so nervous about the election that I’ve had the runs all day, but maybe the rest of you are in a better place to get some action this Election Day. [Your Tango]
• In their own words: Mitt Romney and Barack Obama on women. Have you voted yet? [Tres Sugar]
• Kirstie Alley is swearing up and down that she had a secret relationship with Patrick Swayze in the ’80s. Look who’s talking… [Newser]
• Is Willow Smith, the young daughter of Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith, headed down the wrong path like Lindsay Lohan? [Celeb Dirty Laundry]
• Attention “Harry Potter” freaks: here’s how you play Quidditch beer pong! [The Mary Sue]
• Various media sources are reporting voting issues at the polls in many of the key states. Plus, 15 celebs who have been rallying their Twitter followers to get to the polls! [College Candy, College Candy]
• I’ve got ‘em, Ami just got ‘em, Jessica is thinkin’ about getting them again, and these celebs have all rocked ‘em at some point or another. What am I talking about? Bangs, of course. [theBERRY]
• Attention bus, subway, and train riders: the six essential rules of riding public transportation — that everyone breaks. [Cracked]
• These 10 celebs wanted to be really up close and personal with the political world — they dated politicians. [The Celebrity Cafe]

Surviving the holidays is always stressful. And if you’re single, it’s the perfect time to eff the pain away! Thanksgiving weekend provides a few days to hunt for hotties — especially if you’re traveling somewhere. But even if you’re stuck home alone, make sure you take full advantage of all the seasonal action by following The Frisky’s Guide To Getting Some Gravy On Thanksgiving!

Park It: Go to places you can hang around stress free for at least a solid hour, like a bar or a bookstore. Do not run around, wasting your prime time on stupid shopping errands. People, including hot dudes, are just frazzled and rushed at those kinds of places. There’s no room for love when you’re fighting people for door busters. And who wants to play the odds that you’ll get in a long line behind a tall drink of water?

TIP: If you do get stuck shopping, picking up holiday personnel is easier than regular year round staff. Just ask them a question that forces them to lead you on an informational journey. Then joke around and show them a little empathy for having to work on the worst shopping day of the years — it’ll go a long way. But be warned, seasonal staffers are tired when they get off work late at night.

Dressing: Wear something that wouldn’t shame you in front of your parents. Everyone will be stepping it up on Thanksgiving weekend. You may pack your dirty laundry when you’re headed home to momma, but that doesn’t mean you should pack your ugly sweatshirts and period underwear either. Look like someone loves you already by showing up well-groomed and awesome, like the finest version of yourself. Make sure you’re not too fancy though, because it might come off as aloof. Just like your old yearbook message told you, stay cool!

TIP: You do not have to wear that family-proof dress that doesn’t show your cleavage out later, but hoochie gear around this holiday will make you look like you’re begging for it. Trashy club clothes seem desperate when you’re standing next to people who just ate dinner with their grandma. So save your best ho look for a wild holiday like New Years!

Ye Ole Friends: Get back in touch with buddies who might be visiting or live in the town you’re gonna be stuck in. Catching up with people from your past made lead you to some happenin’ parties with plenty o’ babes for you to choose from. And hey, even if they wind up being lame, it’ll give you an excuse to get out and try your luck.

TIP: Look up the dudes from your past that you may still be carrying a (even small) torch for and see what they’re up to. Hey, it’s a different type of vacation fling!

WARNING: Married friends are fun to visit, but do NOT expect them to be your wingmen or lead you to a palace of single men. They’re going to be chumps when it comes to party going. So make sure you see them early or they’ll cock block you at night.

Warm It Up: There is one major conundrum when facing the holiday fling. Where do you go to fornicate if you’re both staying with family? Hotels are often booked and you don’t want to sober up and get left out in the cold! So, for a quick fix, get in a car or just get it on in a bar bathroom. You can kick it up a notch by driving to a romantic look-out point. Sigh…just like high school!

Don’t Add The I To DU: The police are out in full force over the weekend and rightfully so. Do NOT drive drunk, it’s risky for you and the other people on the road. Plus scary bad driving, or worse yet, getting arrested, aren’t exactly aphrodisiacs! Don’t ruin your bad girl fun by getting in too much trouble.

Chatty Cathy: Do NOT bitch about your family. Complaining about being forced home for the holidays will not get you even a sympathy screw. You’ll just seem like a Debbie Downer. A joke or two about your Uncle Stu’s epic fart may be funny, eventually, but no one will sit around while you whine like your pain is unique. Save it for your shrink and keep the convo topics light and flirty. Talk about the ways your hometown has changed or, if you still live there, look for some fresh meat, er, visitors.

TIP: A great way to draw attention to yourself, kill time, isolate yourself to be hit on, perk up the dance party, and show off your booty, is to pick out some rad tunes! So, if you need a conversation starter, just use your spare change to get some hits. But be warned, if you’re in a Johnny Cash kind of bar, don’t go busting out MGMT. Keep the vibe!

Holiday Spirit: It doesn’t matter if it’s the hot toddies’ talking — be a beacon of those warm, friendly, holiday vibes. This is the one time of year you are welcome, nay, expected, to smile at handsome strangers. While flashing your pearly whites at a stud is a good idea all year, around this time, people really welcome it!

TIP: The nights before and after Thanksgiving are best, but if you’re going to hit up some places on the actual day, make sure you go late — at least 9 or 10pm. Wait until the turkey (or tofurkey) has settled. The only people out and about around happy hour are sad, old loners. Well, if that’s your type, dig in! Hey, they could definitely use some holiday cheer.

As you pass through your teenage years via the valley of lost virginities and the college years of random sex, the simple act of kissing starts getting really underrated. It makes sense, I guess. When you’re 16, the make-out sessions aren’t leading anywhere (at least for me, I started kind of late) so you can just relax and get into it. Making out is EXCITING at that age. It’s fun, it feels amazing. But, when you get a little older, kissing turns into foreplay – a means to an end. Seriously, when was the last time you just made out for hours with a guy without him expecting more?

But kissing is awesome. No matter what, there are some kind of kisses that will always maintain that magical quality. Or, if they don’t anymore, people should revive that! ‘Just’ kissing is nice. Here are 7 of the best kind of kisses ever. Read more…

Want to get busy with another human being but have no clue how to go about it?

You’re not alone.

For eons people have been trying to come up with crafty ways to convince other people to do the dirty deed with them.

Here are some of the stupidest sexytime enticements that actually seem to work now and again. You’re welcome. Read more…

According to New York magazine, sexually active hetero women in their 20s and 30s are heretofore dubbed the “pullout generation.” We’ve earned this moniker because, for various reasons, we’ve turned up our noses at “conventional forms of birth control,” from the the Pill to condoms, and started relying on the withdrawal method to avoid pregnancy. The article suggests some of the reasons why we are shunning BC — from noxious side effects of the Pill, to prohibitive costs, to pressure from men not to use condoms, to putting more focus on our sexual pleasure — but the more troubling part, perhaps, is that we’re “reluctant to admit [it], even after a few cocktails.”

I will attest to this. I only use the pullout method, but am loathe to say so to my Pill loyalist friends or my gyno, who I’m convinced will give me a finger-wagging lecture. I’m in my 30s! While I’m not actively looking to be a parent right this minute, an unplanned pregnancy also would not ruin my life. There seems to be this pervasive idea that it’s ignorant or irresponsible not to use conventional birth control. After all, you’re relying on someone else to act swiftly.

For years, the pullout method was taboo — seen as non–birth control for ignorant risk-takers. Admitting that you trusted a man — granted, a man who was your monogamous partner, but still — to pull out in time? That was ceding too much control.

A 31-year-old woman interviewed for the article admitted to feeling similarly about her choice to use the pullout method:

“I kind of struggled with our method for a while. It seemed kind of embarrassing and definitely felt irresponsible. But after six or so years of this style, we have still never been pregnant.”

In addition, the shame that comes with admitting to practicing the withdrawal method is conflated by the fact that we grew up during the AIDS epidemic and from a young age, a fear of STIs — especially the deadly kind! — was drilled into us. We were taught to use condoms EVERY TIME, to protect us from HIV and other STIs, as well pregnancy. And if that message didn’t get through to you, all you needed to do was watch “Kids” and the fear of God was knocked into you.

Fair enough. STIs are a real and legitimate concern and I get tested religiously for that reason. But we’re not doing ourselves any favors by not talking about not using condoms — even with partners we’re not monogamous with. Let’s get honest about it. Here, I’m saying it. I have used the pullout method with sexual partners I was not monogamous with. Multiple times. I feel so much better having admitted that, though I also admit it’s not responsible to practice the pullout method outside of monogamy. But hiding the fact that I had — that many of you probably have — doesn’t help.

But the truth is, it’s actually not irresponsible if you’re with a monogamous partner. Stats vary, but research has shown that when used correctly, coitus interruptus and condoms have an 18 and 17 percent failure rate, respectively. So, if you’re not worried about contracting an STI — it’s about as effective as condoms. Not bad.

And I don’t need a few drinks to tell you all the reasons why the pullout method is my birth control of choice. Since we’re confessing here, I might as well keep going.

Right around the time that I was 18, my mother sat me down with some words of advice about birth control.

“Don’t ever take the Pill,” she said. “It screwed me up so bad.”

I had only slept with one guy at the time and we used condoms. Mostly. He was my boyfriend, we were both virgins and also, he couldn’t have an orgasm because he was on anti-anxiety meds, so sometimes we skipped the condoms. And then we broke up, I saw “Kids” and my drawers were suddenly stocked with more condoms than I could ever use in a lifetime. And I was sleeping with NO ONE.

In college, I saw what my mom meant first hand when sophomore year roommate unraveled after going on the Pill. She sat in her room and cried all day. She gained 10 pounds and two cup sizes in a month. She was miserable. So not worth it, I thought. I was sleeping with an older guy at this point — but contrary to the 24-year-old featured in the New York article who felt like she was “used by older men who didn’t want to use condoms,”  the guy I was sleeping with was insistent upon us using condoms. Not that I was protesting. I later found out this was because he was sleeping with lots of girls, so I thank him for his commitment to prophylactics.

I never thought of going condom-less until I was in my first serious relationship in my 20s. We started out using condoms, but then one of them broke inside me and I had to go to Planned Parenthood to get it removed. From there we ditched the condoms — because, surprise! I could have an orgasm without one — for the rest of our four-year relationship. The pullout method worked for us. We were totally monogamous, my periods were regular, I charted my cycle, and, as a result, we never had a pregnancy scare. This is how successful the pullout method can be when practiced correctly.

By the time I got into my next serious relationship, I was spoiled. We had a really active, satisfying sex life without ever using a single condom. Again, we were monogamous. No pregnancy scares. And when we broke up — when I was in my late-20′s — that’s when it all went to shit.

I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I couldn’t enjoy sex with a condom, I still felt reluctant about taking the Pill and I heard at least five IUD horror stories from friends. Getting a shot, an implant, or taking any kind of hormones seemed like too much of a commitment for someone who was only getting laid sporadically. I did use condoms if I had a one-night-stand or had just started dating someone. But for the most part, I didn’t. I came across a few guys who were very anxious about pregnancy and whipped out a condom the second things started getting hot and heavy. I’m not looking to talk anyone out of using a condom. But the truth is that most of the guys I slept with were comfortable with and proficient at using the pullout method. I’m in a serious, monogamous relationship now. And as you might have guessed, we use the pullout method. So far, no pregnancy scares.

When it comes to sex, contraception and family planning, women (and their partners) should do what works best for them and be able to talk about it openly and honestly without having to be tipsy. Taking shame out of the equation will allow us to have real conversations about sex and reproductive health.

[NYMag.com]

There he is. Your eyes meet. The butterflies in your stomach are loud enough for the entire room to hear. Your palms moisten and your palpitating heart seems to want to beat out of your chest. You muster up the courage to walk to him, but someone has you beat.

Think quick. You make a detour to the bathroom, as to not draw too much attention to yourself. Who was that girl? It doesn’t matter anyway, right? The two of you only casually hookup.

Friends with benefits, hooking up, whatever you decide to call it — gets messy. Sure, you get the “buddy and the boo,” but tippy toeing around those invisible boundaries of “Am I wrong for feeling this way?” gets old. A casual relationship doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a clear division of what you’re willing to accept. Read more at College Candy…

Regret what you did last night? Well that’s rough. Imagine how much rougher it would be if your whole college campus could see a play-by-play of it on the Internet. Welcome to Fordham University’s  ”Gossip Girl”-like Twitter account, FU_Makeouts, which documents students’ hook-ups for their classmates to see. Students are encouraged to “embarrass your friends” by submitting pics of Fordham students making out in public (a typical example is above). It’s a pretty funny idea, and very popular, but is it okay? Is FU_Makeouts hurtful or is it just in good fun?

In theory, I don’t really think it’s a big deal. Like other student-run gossip, @FU_makeouts is  juicy, entertaining fluff. They’re not necessarily intending to hurt people, and all of us should all be able to laugh at ourselves now and then. I don’t think FU_Makeouts is online bullying and I hope it won’t prompt yet another long piece of journalism written by a baby boomer about our generation’s demise. I’m not offended by the Twitter acount per se.

I do, however, think actions like this stifle young people from letting our guard down in an increasingly mediated society and that’s a really bad thing.

If I ended up on an anonymous Twitter feed sucking face with someone, I would feel like that special (or maybe just silly) moment no longer belonged to myself and the person I shared it with. I would feel exploited. I don’t think I’d be able to enjoy going out or blowing off steam on weekends because I’d be worried that at any second, someone might snap a pic and broadcast  it on the internet. Paranoia-inducing? You bet.

Social media has infiltrated our lives and in many cases it’s for the better. But especially for young adults, it’s tiring to constantly put on a certain face when we present ourselves on the Internet. So many people fear future employers seeing their shenanigans online, and some even avoid expressing any kind of strong opinion online for fear of offending some person who has the power to hire them (or just their  aunt back in the Midwest who checks their Facebook page). Everyone should be able to step back from their online persona and just be ourselves when we’re away from that glowing screen. The idea that we can’t even let our guard down on a night out? To me, that is damn exhausting.

College is a time to explore who you are, experiment, and well, make out with randos from time to time. Hell, sometimes that rando turns into a relationship, who you’ll also likely be making out with in public now and then. As annoying as it may be to watch our friends and classmates hook up at parties, we are all entitled to some privacy from our peers. Generations before us were able to live out their college experience (and questionable choices that come with it) without hundreds of their friends and family members watching it unfold on a computer. Their adult lives are probably better for it.  Even if your random makeout with a stranger is impulsive and just for fun, you and that person deserve that time to share with each other. It does not belong to 700+ Twitter followers (or, in the case of poor Slanegirl, the entire world). Kissing and touching are some of the few forms of real face-to-face interaction that are separate from computers. They are one of the only ways people connect on deep level that they’d rather do in person than through a chat window.

Let’s keep  at least some of this stuff sacred, @FU_makeouts. For one thing, if we don’t, we’ll be out of outlets to let go of post-exam stress. We might just get out of touch with what a real-life connection is, too.

[The Ram Realm]

[Image via @FU_makeouts]

I have slept with a fair amount of people. But I’ve orgasmed with only one, the person I was in a long-term relationship with. All of my other sexual encounters have been varying degrees of fun, but have not resulted in the Big O. For me at least — the men I’ve slept with always come. This never comes as a surprise to me. I don’t expect to come from casual sex, while I’m sure every dude I have it with does. As Natalie Kitroeff notes in an article for The New York Times, “in hookups, inequality still reigns.”

Here’s what I’ve noticed over, uh, the last 13 years of having sex. Some guys, even random dudes I’ve brought home from bars, are really, really into getting women off. But most of them are driven by their own egos. “Every girl I’ve ever been with has come” is something I’ve heard more than a few times from guys who just won’t stop until they’re sure you’ve reached their idea of satisfaction — orgasm. I’ve been known to fake it with these men, because it’s just so much easier than explaining to a relative stranger “I just can’t orgasm unless I am really, really, really in the right mood and there are no distractions and I’m 1000 percent relaxed and my OCD/ADD isn’t acting up. Also you have to be licking my pussy just right and it also helps if I use my vibrator while you’re fucking me, but even then it just might not happen. Don’t take it personally, I’m still having a great time!” I have given a few dudes the short version of that explanation and they all looked at me like I just killed their puppy.

Then, of course, there are the dudes who are just there to get theirs and get out. These dudes have been plentiful. Though they certainly won’t turn down a blow job, they conveniently skip past reciprocating. Natasha Gadinsky, 23, told the Times about a guy she hooked up with multiple times who showed zero interest in her satisfaction. “I don’t think he tried at all. I was really frustrated.” The Times posits that though women are “becoming equal partners in the hookup culture, often just as willing as young men to venture into sexual relationships without emotional ties,” but, according to Kim Wallen, a professor at Emory University who studies female desire, how much pleasure we receive from those hookups “isn’t level” with the pleasure men receive. New research supports what my vagina already knows to be true — women are less likely to have orgasms during uncommitted sexual encounters than in serious relationships.

To be sure, some of this is certainly because of how our naughty bits are built. Many, many women have difficulty reaching orgasm through vaginal sex, but can through oral or manual stimulation of the clitoris. But it’s not like the clit is a button you just have to push to start climaxing. It’s about pace and rhythm and pressure and it can take time for a partner to learn just the right combination. It takes effort and interest on the part of men, and confidence and assertiveness and openness on the part of women — but many casual sex relationships lack that intimacy.

Duvan Giraldo, 26, told the Times that satisfying a partner “is always my mission,” but “I’m not going to try as hard as when I’m with someone I really care about.”

As someone who quite seriously has stopped actively trying to orgasm with my casual hookups, I wish we would change the perimeters of this discussion and be a little less rigid about what our definition of “satisfaction” is. Because the way it’s defined now sets most women up to fail and men not to bother. Just because I may not come from oral sex during a casual hookup does not mean I don’t still want to receive oral sex. Just because I may not come during intercourse, doesn’t mean I don’t have positions I love more than others.

A guy I used to hook up with in New York moved to LA a few years ago, so whenever I’m out on the West Coast for work, we meet up for hotel sex. Hotel sex is hot, with or without orgasm. He’s really into having sex in front of a mirror. I’m into it too. Sex in front of a mirror is fun and hot, with or without orgasm. Just as life is about the journey, not the destination, sex can be enjoyable and wonderful and funny and horny and hot and pleasurable even if it doesn’t culminate in a shuddering orgasm. Just because an orgasm may not be on the menu doesn’t mean I still don’t want to eat.

Debra Herbenick, a research scientist at Indiana University, is with me on this. “Something we don’t talk about is why having an orgasm is the main goal or the only goal. Who are we to say women should be having orgasms?”

Exactly. At nearly 34 years old, I know how to get myself off. I get something else from casual sex — a way to release energy, a certain level of intimacy, the chance to play and experiment, the opportunity to give pleasure. I look forward to eventually being in a relationship with a partner who satisfies me on an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level, because it is with him that I’ll have the time, intimacy, trust and freedom to truly explore all facets of physical satisfaction.

But until then, I still want to get my pussy licked.

[NY Times]

[Photo of two people gettin' it on via Shutterstock]

Shag At Uni, “the UK’s naughtiest student hook-up site,” has named a winner in their contest to find Britain’s Horniest Student. Twenty-year-old Elina Desaine is a computer science student at the University of Exeter and is so horny she’s unsure of how many people she’s slept with, or of many of their names. She keeps track of her partners by writing a list with notes about who they are, like “French guy” or “third year.” Elina was born in Latvia and sometimes refers to herself as “Slutvian” or “Sexeter.” A self-proclaimed modern-day feminist, Elina says she is “just having fun” and that “all my friends are the same – we are all just up for having a great time and going out … [College] life is three years to be wild before it starts settling down and it really flies by.”

As Britain’s Horniest Student, Elina won a cash prize, a year’s supply of condoms, a new cell phone, and a crate of alcohol. She also posed in lingerie wearing a “Horniest Student 2013” sash for a series of photos — one of which the website’s fully-dressed creator stands nearby ogling her. These pictures are plastered all over the internet, inviting all kinds of gawking and prompting Elina’s friends to worry about what future employers might think, as she’s in her last year of school and plans to apply for internships soon.

The entry process of the contest called for people to post why they deserve to win on the website’s Facebook page. In Elina’s winning post, she explained that she had sex in a university computer room and sleeps with two or three different men each week. Some of her proudest moments include sleeping with two of the university union’s bartenders and stripping in a local club to the “Baywatch” theme song. Elina says her only rule when it comes to sex is that a condom must be used.

A spokesman for The University of Exeter had this to say: “We certainly don’t condone this sort of behavior but our main concern at this time is for the student and the impact this may have on her over the long term.” Well, my main concern is this derogatory contest and the impact it has on not only Elina, but on other young women. Paying a woman cash for the notches on her bedpost? I’m trying to see it as sex positive for third wave feminists, but all I see is exploitation of a girl who is making consensual, protected choices and coercing her into participating in her own objectification. Am I missing something here?

As a college student myself, this affirms my concern that the college years will never be the time of growth that they once were now that social media is in the way. With the internet following us wherever we go, the choices we make in what is supposed to be a carefree, low-responsibility time of life follow us into our middle age. There is no longer room to experiment, because that phase becomes a permanent part of who you are. I hope that Elina never regrets her participation in the contest, because something tells me Shag At Uni won’t be eager to detach itself from her name anytime soon.

[Daily Mail UK]

This is our friend Tom. He’s a married guy with tons of relationship experience, and a skilled advice giver who’s here to answer all your pressing sex, dating and relationship questions. Have a query for Tom? Email him at friskymarriedguy@gmail.com! All questions will be posted anonymously, unless otherwise requested.

So I’ve been a friend of this good guy for over 10 years.  We’ve always had sexual tension, but I never really gave a thought to it nor did I think we were going to act on it. On a total random drunken night, we had sex.  So we decided to go on a date, and it really was no different from any other time we’ve hung out.  He said stupid things to me all night like “You’re my dream girl,” and to be honest, I loved it and had a great time.  I didn’t realized how much I actually like this guy, until one day – he just stopped calling. He’d make plans, and cancel last minute, which is unlike him. We’ve always been close, and I’ve known FOR YEARS that he is a commitment-phobe.  All the years that we’ve been friends, he’s never had a single date. Is this guy genuinely scared of me/relationships or did I just get played by the player-of-all-players? — Alisa

You did not get played. You got “manned.”

Let me tell you something about men. Their deepest, darkest fear is being trapped.  It’s constant. They fear it even when there are no traps in sight. Put a man in a wide-open emotional space, with nothing but happy meadows and tweeting birds for miles around, and he’ll still be terrified of some girl popping up yelling, “I’m pregnant and it’s yours!”

The fear is about 50 percent justified, because there are a lot of traps out there for a guy. Think about the crazy girl who threatens to kill herself if you break up with her, or the controlling girl who drives a wedge between men and their friends. These terrible girls are out there and we fear their crappy, trappy ways.

The other 50 percent? It’s all in his head. Half the time, men DECIDE to fear a trap. If a guy is with a girl who is 95 percent the PERFECT woman for him, he may wake up one day and say, “This whole situation is stopping me from finding the girl who is 100 percent perfect. Therefore, I have fallen in to a trap. Therefore, I must run a thousand miles from this situation.”

That’s the head-space your man is in right now. Frankly, he’s in Crazy Town. There was no trap here. He just hooked up with an old friend. It went well, you went on a date or two. What was the problem? He could have just seen where this fun thing was going. Instead, he went all Hunt for Red October on you: submerging, ceasing all communication, and hiding at the bottom of an ocean somewhere until this all blows over.

There’s very little you can do. Although when men fear a trap, they sometimes respond surprisingly well to women who say, “Look, this isn’t a trap.” So maybe send a brief email expressing that, and reassure him that you haven’t spent 10 years PINING for him, UTTERLY in love with everything about him. Make him understand this isn’t the culmination of some elaborate, 10-year scheme to marry him and have six babies in eight years. You were just pleasantly surprised at the sudden chemistry and would like to keep exploring it. If it works for him? Great. If it doesn’t? No harm, no foul. I doubt he’ll respond, but it’s worth a shot.

But onto the bigger question: How do you break this cycle? How do you short-circuit the male brain’s entrapment paranoia?

Live well. Go out and be amazing. And make sure he knows it. The goal here is to make him realize that his current life is actually the trap. The sub-par relationships? The loneliness? The desperate man-boy immaturity? These are the bars of his prison: the one he locked himself into. The way out is dating you. But there’s no persuading him of this. He has to get it on his own.

Have a query for Tom? Email him at friskymarriedguy@gmail.com! All questions will be posted anonymously, unless otherwise requested.

A new study from Ohio State University in the Journal of Sex Research suggests that casual teenage sex has a reciprocal relationship with poor mental health – and that they contribute to one another over time.

An important thing to note is that this link was found to be the same for both men and women. “That was unexpected because there is still this sexual double standard in society that says it is OK for men to have casual sexual relationships, but it is not OK for women,” said assistant professor of human sciences Claire Kamp Dush, Ph.D. In this sense, it seems that both genders have the same relationship to casual sex — if only pop culture would catch on to that!

What isn’t clear is the nature of the association between casual sex and poor mental health — which is the cause and which is the effect? Why is casual sex such a bummer? This study indicates that it could be some kind of cycle where they both reinforce one another instead of one aspect being the root cause.

Researchers came to their findings by analyzing the data provided by the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health. About 10,000 young people were interviewed in grades 7-12, and then were spoken with again when they were 18-26 years old. They were asked about their romantic experiences, as well as depressive symptoms. It was found that 29% of these students had engaged in a casual sexual relationship, which they defined as “only having sex” with that person instead of dating them. The researchers found that participants who had thoughts of suicide were much more likely to have had casual sex as young adults. They also found that casual sex was linked to mental health dwindling even further. Apparently, each additional casual sexual relationship increased the odds of suicidal thoughts by 18% – well, that’s specific. While thoughts of suicide increased with casual sex, depressive symptoms did not increase.

This stood as a lesson to mental health professionals to extra vigilant, as a person who doesn’t have other depressive symptoms may still be considering suicide. Dush also said that casual sex may make it hard for young adults to develop committed relationships at a very important time for their personal growth.

This is all a pretty big bummer. I’ve always believed that casual sex can be a very healthy thing — and I still do. Maybe the lesson to draw here is that adolescent casual sex is what’s risky. It seems that positive casual encounters have to do with people’s motivations behind the hook-up and the sense of self they have entering the situation – and those are things that teenagers are often still finding their footing on. Either way, these statistics are pretty sobering.

[Ohio State University]
[Psych Central]

Sure, I’d imagine some guys wish they took advantage of their single days more, just as women do. But sex regrets have to go beyond not hooking up with the hot girl at the bar for some men. To discover guys’ I-really-wish-I-hadn’t sexcapades, we went right to the source. Turns out, they’ve had their fair share of unfavorable partners in the bedroom (and park), too. Read all 9 sex regrets on Your Tango …