I’m baaaaaack! Did you miss me? In this week’s episode of What We Missed, I break out my Google Translation app in order to discuss the perks of having a major language barrier when romancing someone. For example, you’re forced to really listen to each other. Also, we reflect on the death of Justin Bieber’s hamster, mostly to mourn the downfall of society that such a thing is even a Twitter trending topic and to rail against people (celebs and commoners alike) who adopt/buy animals when they’re not fully prepared to care for them. (Also, I reveal my own crazy super fan past!) And lastly, we chat about recent stats about when women finally go makeup-free in front of new boyfriends. Personally, I go barefaced pretty early, but totally sneak out of bed in the morning to brush my teeth before he wakes up. I put off exposing him to my morning breath for as long as possible! Watch the episode above and share your thoughts on all these stories in the comments!

Easter marks the beginning of Spring, and there by the infamous Spring Fling season. While it may seem blasphemous, you can bag a man at church, if you’re subtle. Old peeps just love matchmaking! And what better place to meet a nice guy than in church? Here’s how you can turn Easter in to a real man-feast!1. Ho It Alone: Holidays are all about hanging out with family, but then you’re stuck with them. Bring another single friend to church and meet up with the kinfolk for dinner. But if you’re alone, you can definitely try to mack on the most men. It’s also a bonus because you’ll get sympathy for being alone at church on the holidays. Sniff.

2. Gimme A Break: Definitely take a bathroom break during the service. Try to sneak out after you see a hottie head out. Then you can bump into him on his way back in. Just remember, dudes take half the time of ladies in the loo! Don’t do this trick more than once or you’ll look like your having some not-so-sexy stomach issues. If you want a second round, hit the water fountain.

3. The Hunt For Your Eggs: Sure, Jesus didn’t come up with the traditional Easter Egg Hunt, but whoever did is a genius! It gives you an infinite number of chances to work that “Legally Blonde” style bend-and-snap. Now, it’s best if you can borrow a kid (who’s, say, 5-to-8-years-old that you’re just supervising, not a baby who’ll hang on you and potentially spew on your dress) so you don’t look like an adult preying on the candy.

4 Photo Op: Everybody gets dressed to impress on Easter and that means you’ll be taking a big family photo. So, stroll around the church and the park alone, cruising for a cutie. When you see him with his clan all lined up, offer to take their photo for them. It’s the perfect way for him to notice just how sweet and available you are!

5. Volunteer: Around the holidays, churches are always looking for extra hands to help out with all the extra peeps. Sure, being at the mercy of a group of type A hens twice your age may sound annoying, but they all have hot young sons that they want to find nice church-going girls for! Not to mention, you’ll see everyone who comes, you can wander around freely, and accidentally run into more dudes coming out of the bathroom because you’ll be bopping around.

6. Don’t Rest Until You’ve Said Your Peace: This step requires you to get to church early. Bummer, we know. But good things come to those who wait! So, watch for a total babe to walk in, then sit right near him. This way you’ll get more opportunities for him to notice you and definitely the chance to reach out, grasp his hand, and say, “Peace be with you.” And by peace, you mean a piece of you!

We’ve all been guilty of it: the middle-of-the-night hookup that was so loud our roommates heard every bit of it. And possibly the neighbors, too. It’s not that we mean to interrupt anyone else’s beauty sleep, of course. It just happened. Er, loudly. But when you reach a certain age — like, say, when you’re old enough to be putting money into a 401K — you really have to cut that out. Your relationship with the person who has the ability who “accidentally” delete your entire TiVo queue depends upon it!

After the jump, eight ways to still have your middle-of-the-night booty call, but do it quietly.

1. Do NOT make a bunch of noise coming into your apartment/house before the big event. You should be doing this anyway, because you are a considerate roommate. In the name of all that is holy, come in the front door quietly. I would bet 99 percent of roommates and neighbors are not woken up by the sounds of headboards sexily rattling the walls, but by some drunk ding-dong accidentally slamming the door behind them, loudly kicking off their shoes, and announcing “MY BEDROOM IS THISSHHHHH WAY.”

2. No music. You might think that Miguel playlist will drown out the sounds of sex. You are wrong. It just annoys your roommate with the sounds of a Miguel playlist at 3:20 am..

3. If you have a squeaky bed, fuck on the floor. Or standing up. Or in the shower. Or on the futon. Then wash the futon tomorrow.

4. No spanking or paddling. You might have been a very, very bad girl, but your spanking is going to have to wait. Try as you might, it’s difficult to do this quietly. Even if it’s not a loud crack!, it can still be heard through the walls as a distinct thump!. And don’t throw your vibrators on the floor!

5. Muffle your moans and groans with pillows. Don’t smother anybody. We’re not making a snuff film here. But if you need a pillow on the face to moan into, by all means use it!

6. Keep condoms, lube, a box of tissues, and a towel in your room. The other one percent of roommates who aren’t woken up by you noisily coming in the front door are woken up by your drunken lurch to the bathroom to grab some tissues and wipe up his mess. This is why you have a goodie drawer, y’all.

7. Challenge yourself to have the quietest hookup possible. Loud orgasms are sexy, sure. But silent ones that channel the tension into, say, gripping the sheets or running your nails down his back, can also be super hot.

8. If you do wake up your roommate, find some way to apologize. A hot, steaming coffee and bacon-egg-and-cheese the next morning will do wonders to ease diplomatic relations.

Any other tips? Let us know in the comments!

[Photo of woman annoyed at being woken up from Shutterstock]

A month and a half ago, I went to France for a week and while I was there, I took a French lover. He was a 24-year-old waiter that I met at the first restaurant I had dinner at and he didn’t speak any English. Don’t judge me (unless it’s for being awesome). I took two years of French in high school; he and I were basically equally as fluent in each other’s native tongue, which is to say, not fucking at all. As a result, we could only communicate in two ways: through the language of love, wink, and with the aid of Google Translate. In honor of Wanderlust 2013, and to encourage you to have your own foreign affair  someday, here are seven extremely simple topics my French lover and I were able to discuss thanks to Google Translate. 

1. Flirting!

Google Translated: “I want to make love to you like an Apollo.”

I Understood: Like the Greek god? So, from what I remember, Apollo is the Greek god of music and poetry, not to mention the most handsome of all the gods. Oh god — sorry — is he going to try and read me poetry? Please no. Been there, done that. Maybe he thinks of Apollo as being representative of all gods and he’s saying his lovemaking abilities are God-like? Regardless, he thinks rather highly of himself doesn’t he? But I suppose I should have realized that when he licked his fingers and rubbed his own nipples like they sizzled.

2. Clarifying One’s Age

Google Translated: “On my Facebook, I am 22 because my ex-darling is 19 and we not want to make her parents angry for being too old. But in the real life, I turn 25 in June.”

I Understood: Phew! My fear that he is actually underage based on the discrepancy between how old he told me he was and how old his Facebook profile says is unfounded and there’s a semi-reasonable explanation. Thank god, because I really want to be able to go home and brag that I fucked a hot 25-year-old French waiter, not hide the secret shame of accidentally fucking a, like, 17-year-old high school student. Also, “ex-darling”? Most adorable term of endearment for an ex ever. 

3. Discussing Prior Relationships

Google Translated: “On me, she cheated and become pregnant. Then had an abortion. Slut!”

I Understood: At first I thought he said he had impregnated her and then was mad she had an abortion. And I was like, “Dude, she was 19. And you’re a waiter at a restaurant so empty that I was able to dance around the kitchen in just my bra so I know the tips aren’t good. Plus, you live with your mom, so maybe you can’t afford a baby either? Also it’s her body!” But then he was like, “No, no,” and Google Translate stepped in and confirmed that she had cheated — the salope! –  and gotten pregnant and it all came together. Coming down from my pro-choice soapbox now, kind of hard to make out from up here.

4. On Being Gay

Google Translated: “Let’s go out dancing! We go to a club, it is called Queen. It is a gay club. They play the very good music! Yes?”

I Understood: Um, a straight dude who wants to go dancing at a gay club? Can we please import some of these to the U.S.? How do you say, “You are SO not a homophobe” in French? Ahh, here it is. “Vous êtes donc pas homophobe!” I love this country!

5. Sex Ed In America Vs. France

Google Translated: “Americans, they have the AIDS. America is where the AIDS is.”

I Understood: Oh cool, there’s nothing I want to hear more than “the AIDS” when I am half-naked at a flea bag motel in the Pigalle with a guy I’ve been sleeping with — using protection, thank you very much — for the past week. Music to my ears. Thankfully, the only thing he actually has is an extremely poor understanding of basic sex ed. AIDS is everywhere (“The AIDS est partout!”), not just America and that saying that every American girl has AIDS would be like me saying every French dude has herpes. That’s just rude, right? Still this was a good opportunity to re-clarify that neither of us has any STDs. 

6. Books

Google Translated: “I read. Today, I read Siddhartha. By Herman Hesse. I like!”

I Understood: Is he trying to impress me? Did he look up a big, important book to say he’s read? If so, wrong book, as I haven’t read Siddhartha. Oh come on, Amelia. Give him the benefit of the doubt. What’s Siddhartha about? Do tell, mignon.

7. Medical Maladies

Google Translated: “Yoo-hoo! I had an accident with my car is dead! And then I’m kicked out of my work! That’s life. I stay in a coma for four days! Nothing serious. Artificial traumatic coma stage 2! All okay now! The main thing is that I remember from my past.”

I Understood: Sooooo, let me get this straight. He hasn’t responded to my email about the plot of Siddhartha because, first, he got fired from his job at the mostly empty restaurant. Then he got in a car accident that totaled his car and resulted in him being in an artificial coma — stage 2!!! — for four days. But all is okay because, wait, what? He remembers his past? Like, past lives? Oops, no, actually, passé also means “password” in French. In other words, the good news is, DESPITE THE STAGE 2 COMA, my French lover managed to remember his password so he could write me back. That’s what he means, isn’t it? 

So. Romantic.

By the time I entered my junior year of college, I was convinced that Binghamton University had only three kinds of guys. There were the players. There were the boys who were saving themselves for marriage. And there were the ones who learned about sex from my mother.

A biological anthropologist, my mom taught Intro to Sex and Evolution, which focused on everything from mating systems in the Animal Kingdom to why women go through menopause. Pretty much every student in the life sciences took it. Those who didn’t heard stories of the professor with the sign in her office that read: My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.

Thus, at the age of 19, I could flawlessly explain the mechanics of seahorse sex, but had only a vague notion of how it might work between two humans. I feared getting into an intimate situation only to have word of it get back to her, or worse, hearing her clinical scientific explanation of it in my head. And if a guy ever mentioned sex and my mother in the same sentence, forget about it.

The first time I came home with a hickey, it prompted her to launch a clinical study about the psychology behind casual hookups.

I was a freshman with a crush, and the guy in question was a senior looking for nothing serious. We made out a few times before he decided that I was too clingy, which in hindsight, I probably was. His rejection sent me into a deep funk that lasted for weeks and set my mother’s cognitive gears turning.

As the resident “sex professor,” she’d heard more and more students talking about “hooking up.” Neither she nor I have a problem with anything that happens between consenting adults, but as a scientist, she wondered why so many girls seemed to be giving that consent for casual flings when most women in her own generation had lived by the adage, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” The most obvious way to get answers was to launch a study of her own.

Every student taking an introductory-level psychology class had to log a certain number of hours participating in psychological studies – it was the department’s way of introducing us to research while ensuring that they had a steady supply of human guinea pigs. My mom launched a simple survey that asked students questions about their sexual experiences, expectations, and what they thought was “normal.” It was one of the easier studies to participate in, since you could take it from any computer instead of trekking across campus to have diodes hooked up to your head.

At the time I was majoring in psychology, and felt odd knowing that my mom’s graduate students, many of whom had adopted me like a younger sister, would be sifting through a description of my sexual experience (or relative lack thereof) albeit anonymous. Plus, who wants to think of their mother writing questions like “How comfortable are you with the idea of anal sex?”

If taking the survey changed my perspective on my mother, though, it was nothing compared to how the results changed my perspective on sex. I already knew that most of my peers were more experienced than I was. What I didn’t know, though, was just how uncomfortable most of them really were with hooking up, or that I was far from the only girl who secretly wished that a hookup would turn into a relationship. The real kicker was that, on top of being uncomfortable with hooking up, almost every participant thought that their peers were more comfortable with it than they were.

Like some biology-driven alternative to Judith Butler, my mother was proving to girls that the new social norm of being sexually “free” included the freedom to hold to the “old-fashioned” values that her study proved many of us preferred. She never set out to make us into prudes. What she did was far more effective – she armed us with the facts to disregard the peer pressure and make our own choices. (And if those facts sometimes included vividly accurate biological descriptions of all manner of potential pregnancy mishaps and STIs, well, she was still a mom.)

It took until my junior year to find a guy who I was in a comfortable relationship with, was willing to wait, and above all, didn’t know my mother. He didn’t turn out to be “the one,” but I was ready by the time we took that next step.

Lots of girls might be able to say that they waited to have sex because their mother pressured them with expectations or religion, but I’m the only person I know who waited to have sex because her mother empowered her with science. And though it sometimes made for an awkward college experience, when I look back now, I think that’s pretty cool.

[Rabbit photo from Shutterstock]

Once again I was looking at Cosmo, furrowing intensely and wondering where on earth they come up with their nonsense. I do this from time to time because I follow them on Twitter (don’t ask me why.) I also like to give my brow a workout with all the aforementioned furrowing.

In this episode of Cosmo forces Chatel to face-palm, they gathered up some of the lies men tell to get into the pants of the ladies:

You already know men will do anything to get a woman into bed—especially when she’s as awesome as you are. And they’re rarely slick about it. That’s why we asked you to tweet us the biggest doozies you’ve heard from dudes in search of a little nooky. Get ready to LOL at these weak lines.

The fact that I want to live in a world where “LOL” has been slowly murdered with a dull spoon is besides the point, so I won’t get into that. But, in this gender equal society where woman want to fuck just as much and as often as men, don’t we tell lies to score the sexy times, too? I know I have, and I know almost every single one of my friends has, too.

So, with that in the mind, here are some of the lies we’ve used to get some action. If you don’t see your usual go-to white lie in the mix, then please add yours. Sharing is caring, and helping to get a fellow woman laid is the most caring of all. Read more on The Gloss…

Just because it worked for you back then doesn’t mean it’s still going to work for you now. Something happens between the early 20s to the early 30s that requires a man to change his approach to meeting women. Some guys age accordingly — it’s an effortless transition from keg-stands with the guys to standup paddle-boarding with your lovely new wife. But for most of us, there are some bumps in the road. It’s not always obvious which of your habits will make you into a social pariah as you get older. Until now — no more guessing required. Here are 27 things guaranteed to get you laid at 25 and rejected at 35. Read more on Ask Men…

Wedding season is kind of the best. I gladly welcome any excuse to put on a fancy dress, throw on some lipstick and toast the merry union of two souls, united in common interests, rooted in love. Weddings exist on a plane where everything is heightened, cast in a rosy glow fueled by champagne and cake and the joy of others. Every song is your song, in every conversation you are charming and witty, and, after a while, everyone — and I mean everyone — looks like a prime candidate for a clandestine makeout sesh over in the corner by the photo booth.  Before you slink over to the target in your crosshairs, check yourself. Let us help you. Follow this guide, and you should be golden.

DO NOT PROCEED

Anyone Who Is Currently Married (Including The Newlyweds, Obviously): I really shouldn’t have to say this, but you probably shouldn’t attempt to sleep with anyone married or in a relationship. If you’re at a polyamorous commitment ceremony, go for it. If this is your cousin’s wedding, or your boss’s wedding, or the wedding of the brother of a guy you’re seeing who you only sorta like — STOP. Retreat. Put down that drink. Go get some water and think about what you almost did, naughty!

PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION (AND PERHAPS NOT AT ALL)

Unmarried Parents Of The Bride Or The Groom: This is still VERY dangerous territory, and I implore you to think very seriously about the decision you’re about to make. A divorced dad or single mom may seem alluring in the moment, but please, think about how awkward that brunch will be tomorrow morning, not to mention the tearful conversations you’ll have to have with the bride or groom.

ALL THESE PEOPLE CAN GET IT

The Hot Distant Cousin: This is a relatively safe option. Perhaps you’ve been seated next to the bride’s very attractive and shiny-haired cousin. Perhaps you’ve been brushing hands occasionally as you reach towards the bread basket, or maybe he poured you a glass of wine and smiled, or maybe you guys have been getting along really, really well. Whatever the situation may be, this option is low-risk, with a decent success rate. Go for it.

The Cater Waiter: If the waiters working the event you’re at are NOT 17-going-on-18-year old almost college freshman, feel free! It’s totally okay to make out with the waiter behind the catering tent — and look at it this way, you probably made their day. Full steam ahead.

The DJ Or Guy From The Wedding Band: Why not bring the life of the party back home once the party’s over? Sleeping with the DJ is good for a story at minimum, and at best, you have a fun romp. Win-win.

Your Date: Hey, here’s a novel idea! Sleep with the person you brought to the wedding! If it’s your significant other, I honestly do not need to give you permission. If it’s someone you are possibly maybe interested in, a wedding is a perfect opportunity to test the waters. Just a friend? Eh, you’re probably both a little tipsy and no one has to know…

Your Ex: Weddings stir up lots of feelings, and if your ex is there, it’s perfectly natural for you to consider acting on the way you feel. Indulging in this impulse will either be a good or bad decision, but the actual act itself will be pleasant, comfortable, familiar. You just need to assess the consequences, figure out whether or not you can handle them, and proceed from there.

There you have it! Print this out, tuck it in your clutch and carry it close to your heart this wedding season.

This post is sponsored by “Bridezillas” on WeTV. The new season premieres this Friday, May 31, at 9/8 c.

Here’s the scenario: You’re out with the gals and one of them is smack dab in the middle of a dating crisis. One of your friends offers the group what she thinks is stellar advice on men and you’re left thinking, “Jeez, is that really what men want?”

So many of us grow up being told lies about what men want in a relationship and what men are looking for in a wife. These lies are so rampant that I get questions everyday in my inbox asking me advice based on these lies: How do I make him think I don’t like him so that he wants me? How do I act more “chill” like his friend, so that he enjoys hanging out with me? How do I pretend I’m not mad at him when I feel so angry inside? Read more on Your Tango…

We’ve all had that moment (or many moments) in our love lives when we knew a guy was awful, like, say, when he told us he had to chew gum all the time because of his halitosis and rotten wisdom teeth, but we continued to let him put his tongue in our mouth for far too long after that. Not that any of us have done that. OK, maybe we have. What’s really intriguing about this phenomenon is how, when presented with this odd behavior or its equivalent in a friendship or  any other situation in the entire world that doesn’t involve hooking up, we’d be out of there so fast. But there is an aura surrounding sex that makes us just be, like, whatever, and pull the wool over our own eyes. And once you’ve come out of the fog of denial, you’re left with a special kind of shame. Today, we unload that shame (well, anonymously) and admit that we were pulling the wool over our eyes with these guys. Consider these cautionary tales…

Scenario #1: The guy you’re not even remotely attracted to. 

“When I moved to a new city and didn’t know anyone, I met a guy online. He was ugly. And I’m not exaggerating here. Ugly. He was boring, like we had zero in common and he liked Dave Mathews Band, which doesn’t work for my vagina. Anyway, I went on four dates with him total. On the second date, I got really drunk and took him back to my place. We had awful sex with him during which he said: ‘I like to do it froggy style’ and I almost vomited in my mouth. After all that, when he asked me out again, I still said yes. During the next date, when he showed up wearing mandals, I knew there was no way. Yet, I still hooked up with him, but couldn’t go through with sex. I just couldn’t. On the next date, physically repulsed by him, I had to tell him I wasn’t feeling it.”

Scenario #2: The guy who texts other girls he’s sleeping with in front of you. 

“I hooked up with a guy for waaay too long who called the other girl he was dating on the phone, in front of me, to tell her she’d left her Chanel lipstick behind at his apartment.”

“In college I got together with one of my friends a couple times. One time– which should have been the last time– he started texting another girl. In bed. While I was right there. Still naked. Naturally, I continued to hook up with him on and off for the next two years. He was 6’4″, so that’s how I justified it. He would only text me when he was drunk. Now that I have a boyfriend, he feels wronged. We are still friends, obviously.”

Scenario #3: The guy who does something disgusting for a living. 

“There was an entire summer I dated a guy who cleaned out the homes of people with hoarding problems for a living.  For a germophobe such as myself, I should have known that it wasn’t going to last. ”

Scenario #4: The guy who has completely different political views than you. 

“A couple years ago I dated a Republican. We really didn’t get along at all, for obvious political reasons, but the sex was really good in the way that hate sex can be great — aggressive and different. Anyway, I tolerated him and his stupid opinions for as long as I could, but eventually I had to end things because 1) he chastised me for yelling at anti-choice protesters harassing women outside the Planned Parenthood clinic and 2) he slapped me in the face during sex without warning let alone consent.”

“One of my favorite family legends is that one time my hippie aunt was hooking up with this guy in the forest, and at some point during their foreplay/sexy times, he mentioned that he had voted for Ronald Reagan, so she just got up and LEFT HIM IN THE WOODS.”

Scenario #5: The guy who cries to get you to have sex.

“A guy I dated would, on MANY occasions, attempt to have sex with me at the most inopportune moments, like I’d straight up be getting ready to leave for work or had just fallen asleep, and then when I’d brush him off as gently as possible he would whine. More than once, he cried, like crying would make me want to fuck?”

Scenario #6: The guy with the rotten wisdom teeth who sends dick pics.

“One online dating situation spawned a brief dalliance with a guy who told me, ‘I have to chew gum all the time because I have halitosis and a rotten wisdom tooth.’ He was always complaining of gastrointestinal difficulties and how he had to shit. I was like, shhhhhh. Then he would text me and be like, ‘I miss you so much,’ and I’d be like ewww, and then on one of those occasions I was like, ‘Look, you’re really nice but I’ve rekindled things with my ex so you should probably start hating me riiiiiiight now, AND GO.’ So yeah, cue him calling me a cunt, saying I was fucked up and manipulative, and a whore, but the best part of this story is the denouement in which, after weeks of not speaking, he sent me an unsolicited dick pic, captioned, ‘Miss it?’ L O FUCKING L.”

Scenario #7: The guy who can’t kiss.

“One night, I ended up hanging out with this guy out and even though he was pretty annoying (he kept on bragging about how little sleep he gets from his IB job) and a terrible dancer, he was was buying me drinks. And I really needed drinks. When we kissed, he was literally the WORST kisser in the world, like a rabid animal or something. I continued to make out with him for a bit but after a while I finally said we had different ‘kissing compatibilities’ and he actually agreed. He wanted to work on it, so I literally tried to tell him what to do, and after a few more dates and no improvement in our kissing compatibility, I told him it wasn’t working out. I also told him that the girls he sleeps with probably fake their orgasms.”

Scenario #8 The male feminist internet troll forehead kisser. 

“I dated this dude for about six months after I broke up with a long-term boyfriend. He was considerably younger than me, but smart, funny, kind of attractive, and seemed like a fitting distraction while I got my shit back on track. At first, it was fine After about a month, I realized that he was quickly starting to show his colors as a weird, socially awkward, self-proclaimed ‘male feminist’ IRL internet troll who continued to play devil’s advocate in every conversation we had. The sex was decent in that it was sex, and I suppose it’s occasionally better to get some then none at all, and for a while I thought I was being too judgmental. ‘He’ll get better,’ I told myself. Guess what — he didn’t! After six months of making me and my friends uncomfortable by singing too loudly in public and ingratiating himself by kissing my friends on the forehead against their will, I couldn’t take it anymore and I broke up with him.”

[Photo from Shutterstock]

The things on my personal life bucket list — skydiving, a hot air balloon ride at sunrise, swimming with and/or near a manatee, a glimpse of Beyonce casually pushing Blue Ivy on a swing set in Brooklyn — are all perfectly reasonable, potentially feasible and not entirely out of the realm of possibility. I love having attainable goals, so why not apply the same concept to the wild and wonderful world of sexy times? Use this as a guide, inspired by the hilarious new movie “The To Do List,” starring the fantastic Aubrey Plaza, as a list of gentle suggestions and possibilities. It’s summer, it’s hot and no one’s wearing much clothing anyway — embrace it! For your consideration, I present the top 15 people, places and positions on our sexual to-do list.

1. That Cute, Single Coworker: You guys have been work friends for a while, he’s attractive and always leans a little too close to you on line for bagels in the morning. There are feelings, be it lust, genuine attraction, or one beer too many, and it’s time to take it to the next level. If you play your cards right, you guys could be doin’ it in the bathroom at company happy hour.

2. On the Beach, In The Waves, “From Here To Eternity” Style: Practicality aside, this looks pretty incredible. There’s sand, there’s surf, there’s the unbridled desire between you and your lover to roll down the beach like a potato bug to meet the crashing waves. This is totally doable, guys.

3. The Groom’s Little Brother: It’s wedding season — get lucky!Pros: if the groom is cute, there’s a good chance the little brother is too. Also, he’ll have the BEST night of his life, you minx! Cons: that tricky day-after brunch might be a little hairy.

4. Tearing Through The Kama Sutra, One Page At A Time: I feel like we should all view the Kama Sutra as a challenge, not merely a reference text. Do some stretches, find a willing partner and get to work.

5. That Bartender At Your Local Spot: You’re in there at least a couple times a week — and definitely late night on the weekends before he makes it home — and he always slides a free beer across the counter to you, without even asking. Maybe next time you’re in there, hang around for a while. See how it goes!

6. That Single DILF At The Playground: You’re at the playground with your nephew, who has made very good friends with another little guy. While the two are running circles around the see-saw and sharing juice boxes, strike up a convo with the super-hot single dad in Warby Parker glasses and Nike Dunks. Maybe he needs a distraction from the humdrum of putting carrot sticks into Ziploc baggies. This is your chance.

7. At The Vineyard, In The Field, With the Dude Who Runs The Stables: You and your mom are on a trip to Tuscany, and the stablehand is a particular brand of Italian hottie with an “I’ve been working outdoors for a very long time and look how tawny my skin is” vibe. Every glass of rose you drink emboldens you, and as the sun sets in liquid gold over the hills, you take a risk, and boom, there you are, rolling around between rows of grapes. Life dream status? Totally.

8. On Your Desk At Work On A Summer Friday: Are you bummed because you have to stay late while the entire office leaves early, one by one? Once you have the place to yourself, call up your latest fling, and see if you can squeeze in a quickie at your desk. The fear of getting caught really gives the Big O some extra ooooh-mph.

9. Craigslist Casual Encounters: Look, we get it. Sometimes scrolling thru the same 10 people on Ok Cupid gets tiresome, so this summer, take a risk! Craigslist is great for apartments, free furniture, ride shares — I’m sure everyone in the casual encounters section can’t be all bad!

10. This Insane Iteration Of 69 With your Yoga Instructor: You’ve finally mastered the headstand in yoga, with the help of your instructor’s strong hands, his gentle manner, and his soothing scent of Dr. Bronner’s Eucalyptus soap. One day, he asks you to stay after, one thing leads to another and suddenly you find yourself in a very compromising pose.  Put that training to good use and give this gravity defying take on 69 a whirl.

11. If The Stacks Are Rockin’, Don’t Come Knockin: Finals were a drag, but studying for finals — even worse. Take a quick makeout break over in that darkish, weird corner of the library. I promise, no one will see you.

12. Join The Mile High Club: Logistics are tricky on this one, and I think it’s probably better to do this on a long-distance flight, but see if you can sneak away to the bathroom while the flight attendants aren’t paying attention. Those bathrooms are tiny, but get creative!

13. With Ryan Gosling, Golden God, In His Suite At The Bowery Hotel: The Gos is in town promoting his latest film, “Only God Forgives,” but you’ve laid this all out. He’s accessible! He and Eva Mendes are probably dunzo and he’s rebounding! Trust me, this will be one for your Amelia’s memoirs.

14. At A Party, On Top Of The Coats, With Someone You Just Met: It’s the summer of yes, y’all. That means saying yes to almost everything including a steamy hookup in the party host’s bedroom with the guy you’ve been making eyes at all night.

15. Standing Up, Underneath A Waterfall: If your summer vacation happens to take you somewhere tropical and amazing, do yourself a favor. Find a waterfall, get behind said waterfall, then have your man get behind you and put in work. It feels porn-y, sure, but also will be some of the most memorable sexytimes you’ll have in a while. Hmm, how much are plane tickets to Hawaii going for right now…

The University of Connecticut officially banned any romantic relationships between students and faculty Wednesday under their “Policy Against Discrimination, Harassment and Inappropriate Romantic Relationships.” While undergrad relationships with faculty are completely banned, graduate student romances are forbidden only when a faculty member is in a position of power over the student.

Previously, the university had just strongly discouraged the relationships, but the firing of and investigation into music professor Robert Miller’s alleged sexual misconduct over the years served as the catalyst that finally get the policy passed.

But the ban isn’t just limited to the pupils, staff are also banned from rendezvousing with each other if one member is in a position of power over the other. The main reason for these stringent prohibitions is for UConn to be an “environment free from all forms of discrimination and discriminatory harassment,” said University President Susan Herbst.

And what counts as a “romantic relationship” you might ask?

Associate Vice President Elizabeth Conklin stated, ”A romantic relationship doesn’t have to involve champagne and flowers. Romantic is a term of art under the policy — but it is any sexual, intimate, amorous proposal or encounter. The relationship can be once, it can be short term, it can be long term, it can be a marriage — everything in between. The intent is to capture it all … When you see it, you know it.”

Well, that clears things up. [The Courant]

For a long time, eyebrow-arching and pearl-clutching over “hookup culture” has focused on young women: they will feel used by young men and come to believe they can only derive value in themselves from their sexuality. Such concerns have been roundly and fairly criticizing as portraying young women as victims lacking in agency, or worse, in need of a paternalistic watchful eye.

There has been less of a focus on how hookup culture affects young men. According to a piece by the usually-spot-on journalist Abigail Pesta, writing for NBCnews.com, there is “an increasing confusion among boys about how to behave” and experts say “boys who engage in this kind of sexualized behavior say they have no intention to be hostile or demeaning — precisely the opposite. While they admit they are pushing limits, they also think they are simply courting.”

Oh dear.

Psychologist Catherine Steiner-Adair interviewed 1,000 students for her new book, The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age. She noted that courtship — that quaint phrase! — is now predominantly done by email, text, Facebook and other technological routes. Instead of passing notes in class or calling your crush on the phone, you know Facebook-stalk them.

But this NBC News article specifically zeroed in on the young men who take a turn for the crass and then say that they don’t know any better.  One example is a boy who messaged a girl he liked: “I want my dick in your mouth … will you at least be my girlfriend?” Another boy sent his girlfriend an unsolicited naked photo: “I was so mad about that,” the girlfriend said. The boyfriend seemed surprised by her reaction. (I mean, who wouldn’t want to see him naked?!) According to Steiner-Adair, these boys think they are just “goofing around, flirting” when they engage in this behavior.

Teenagers as a group are known to be immature and impulsive. Technology has changed dating. Sex and dating is awkward for everybody.  But I call bullshit here: the larger rape culture is giving teenage boys a pass to say that they “have no intention to be hostile or demeaning” when they are being just that, as if they just behave boorishly by accident. Boys will be boys, am I right? I refuse to believe that society has decayed so drastically that youngsters don’t get that aggressive sexual overtures make other people uncomfortable. Instead, I think people who behave this way are doing so by choice and feigning confusion.

My own anecdotal experiences with online dating have proven there are a worrying number of adult men who believe sexual joking right off the bat or sending unsolicited dick pics is OK.  But certainly not all men are so boorish; in fact, many men understand that sending unsolicited X-rated photos without a woman’s consent or making aggressive sexual demands is unwanted, even predatory behavior.  Even if traditional courtship has changed, more than a few guys still have enough of a clue to realize this kind of aggression, even in jest, is creepy and off-putting to a lot of women. Men who respect women do not behave that way while flirting and I suspect the same is true of teen boys as well.

Boys who behave boorishly aren’t just victims of “hookup culture,” but rather canaries in the coal mine of how deeply ingrained disrespecting women can be in our culture. If anyone is being victimized, it’s the girls — by these boys’ behavior.  The girlfriend in the story above was “mad” about getting a naked pic, but I suspect she means “uncomfortable” or “upset.” Another girl described getting “disgusting” text messages from a guy who later told her he had a crush on her; she cried while telling Steiner-Adair this story. As important as it is for young men to learn about consent and for adult heterosexual men to model proper appropriate courtship behavior, it’s also important for young women to be taught they have the right to establish boundaries. They can tell guys that behave like this to get lost. (And they should!)

I’m not convinced boys are the one being hurt here, but we should probably listen to Steiner-Adair’s warning that teen boys are engaging in this behavior. They are still young. We still have time to teach them better.

[NBC News]
[Amazon.com: The Big Disconnect]

Follow me on Twitter. Email me at Jessica@TheFrisky.com. 

[Flirting couple image via Shutterstock]

So, you’re in your hometown for Thanksgiving break. And you’re already bored … like, super bored. Or you’re out and about, and after three (or seven) Bud Lights at your hometown bar, you’re feeling nostalgic for that old flame. Who knew how handsome the kid who used to pull your hair would get? Why not smooch them a little bit? You’re a grownup — you’re allowed!

Just. Don’t. Don’t do it. Because like most great ideas, you will regret it. Here, heed our words for the five folks NOT to hook up with while you’re home for the holiday.

1. Your best friend. You guys are so close that this is so no big deal. You can hook up and then go back to normal, just like when you wear your old T-shirts at home and then forget about them, tra la la la la. You might think so, but no dice, my friend! This will invariably become a disaster of equal magnitude to the two layover flight it took you to get home in the first place. If you want to see your best friend at Christmas without enough residual weirdness to sink the Mayflower, keep your pants on.

2. Your hot, recently divorced out of the family, former step-sibling or cousin. Gross! Unless he’s Paul Rudd, this is not “Clueless.” Back away!

3. Your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. Take the sick feeling you get from having a third piece of pie, then multiply that times sex. You are going to feel awful afterwards and no amount of running on your parents’ forgotten treadmill will shed that shame. Unless you are building a bridge to Getting Back Together Land, this is a horrid hookup.

4. The townie you somehow never knew. This seems safe! He went to that other other high school. She moved here after you left. You have zero years of knowing this person to make this seem regretful — until two months later and you see on Facebook that he or she is having a fling with your good friend who never left your hometown. Or you come back for the Christmas holiday to find they are harboring hardcore feelings for you. Who wants love over the holiday season? Yuck. This is not a Sandra Bullock movie. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

5. Your lifelong crush. Just kidding! Do that. Then get out of there. You finally did it! Maniacally laugh the entire plane ride home. You won, my friend!

This piece originally appeared on How About We’s Date Report blog. 

Holiday hookups may be all the rage this season — you know, right alongside temporary boyfriends and desperate attempts to hang out under the mistletoe.

But before you take the plunge into Christmas sex, you might want to take some time to study the rules of such encounters. A new study, published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, explored the various types of casual relationships among young people (ages 18 to 27) and their “codes of conduct,” so to speak.

It starts, says researcher Jocelyn Wentland, by knowing exactly how to classify your relationship. “Casual sex” is a blanket term; instead, choose a more specific description, like “booty call,” “friends with benefits” or “one-night stand.” If you’re having trouble ironing down exactly how to describe your hookup, here’s some help from the participants in the study. Read more…

I could write a book filled with my friends’ hook up horror stories, but that would be ugly and unproductive. So in the spirit of Liz Lemon, I decided to make a list of dealbreakers to prevent said horror stories. Unfortunately, many of my friends have followed through with a hookup despite a definite deal breaker (I have not of course, because I am perfect and never make mistakes). Enough is enough. Some things are just plain unacceptable and must be addressed.

However, I didn’t just write this list for girls. Pass this post on to a guy friend. Gentlemen, please pay attention. I’m trying to help you. Read more…

I was not much of a party girl in college. Though I could certainly put away bottles of Budweiser and added a little hair to my chest with the occasional shot of Jack Daniels or Southern Comfort and lime, I was not one for attending massive house parties or dancing on bars. However, for three consecutive years, I went to Mardi Gras in New Orleans and acted a fool. In honor of today being Mardi Gras, here is what I learned in the days I spent sucking down Hurricanes, hoofing it down Bourbon Street in high heels, eating alligator meat, and, yes, flashing my boobs for beads.

1. PDA isn’t embarrassing, so long as it’s not caught on camera. I think I have a pretty mellow attitude towards public displays of affection thanks to the time I spent at Mardi Gras, tripping over a new lip-locked couple every five feet. Who cares? Spread the love! I certainly did. Of course, it’s much easier to be pro-PDA if it’s not caught on camera and you don’t have to see, from the outside, what you look like when your tongue is being swallowed. Thanks to the photo above — yes, that is me and it currently resides on the wall of Ami’s cubicle — I keep my heavier makeout sessions behind closed doors. A nuzzle or two, however, is fine for mixed company. (Note: any questions about the two-tone color of my hair can be directed to me via email, thanks.)

2. Follow the buddy system! Seriously, let’s talk safety. Don’t go anywhere — except the bathroom — alone. Be a good wing woman! If your friend met some douchebag she likes, even if you’re bored to tears, you stay with her until it’s time to crawl back to your hotel at 5 a.m. and eat leftover muffaletta sandwiches. Stick together!

3. Showing your boobs for beads really isn’t worth it. This may seem obvious to an outsider. But let me explain something to you about Bead Fever. There’s something about the energy down there that makes an otherwise sane person desperately want plastic beads, the uglier, the more ostentatious, the better. It’s a bit like going to a party that has a gift bag and even though you know the gift bag is filled with crap — Chapstick, SweetTarts, a pen, etc. — you still really want that gift bag. I’ve often joked that even if I was to open a gift bag and discover a fossilized turd inside, I would be elated. “Loooook! A piece of hardened poo! So awesome!” It was with that same inexplicable enthusiastic desire for crap that I found myself, just once, showing my breasts to a guy standing on a balcony overlooking the French Quarter. Two days later, when it was time to pack up and head home, I left every single strand of beads in my hotel room trash can, including the ones I got in exchage for showing my nipples.

4. Alligator tastes like chicken. Just thought you should know.

5. Having a goal is great, but don’t be too ambitious. The second year my friends and I went to Mardi Gras, we made ourselves a chart that we called “The Wheel O’ Gras.” Each astrological sign had a section on the wheel and the goal was to make out with one dude of every sign. Each. The wheel would help us keep track, as we knew memory could not be relied upon. In the real world, men generally don’t care about astrology, but down in New Orleans during Mardi Gras, they were into it, possibly because I was crowing, “I just need a Pisces and I’ll be done with the water signs! Which one of you is a Pisces?” Unfortunately, while it’s certainly possible I kissed 12 people that week, I did not end up swapping spit with the entire zodiac. I did kiss three Aries dudes though.

6. Bring alternative footwear. If I went to Mardi Gras now — I wouldn’t, by the way — I would probably wear sensible-ish shoes 24/7. However, in my younger, stupider days, I wore stilettos to walk the trash-strewn streets of New Orleans. The only benefit, aside from making me think I looked kind of sexy, was that they elevated me above the aforementioned trash. The downside was that by the end of each trip, my feet were cut up and blistered, with blackened soles, and I hobbled around school the entire following week. In life, if you’re going to be one of those people who puts style before comfort, bring a backup pair of flats just incase you reach a point where you’re so drunk and in pain, going barefoot seems like a viable option. Because it’s not. Trust.

7. What happens at Mardi Gras (or in Vegas or in Cancun or at that hostel in Amsterdam) stays there. A couple of friends over the course of those three visits kinda sorta tried to turn a Mardi Gras hookup into an actual relationship, with last names and dates and meaningful conversation, back home. Did not work. Does not work. Will not ever work. Don’t bother!

8. Don’t miss out on the vibrant culture New Orleans and its outlying areas has to offer. Unfortunately, those things are all better experienced another time of year.

Friends with benefits. F**k buddies. It’s a concept I’ve never really been able to get behind, something I thought never really worked. Someone always develops feelings for the other, right? Someone always ends up getting hurt. But! I think I was wrong. Having the perfect f**k buddy relationship may be difficult, but it is not impossible — I should know!

See, off and on for the last year-plus, I’ve had a f**k buddy. And last night, when we were hanging out, I found myself thinking, This is pretty solid. This is easy. I don’t want anything more from this situation. So why has it worked? Well, I think we’ve stuck to six basic rules that have kept the boundaries clear and the situation mutually beneficial and fun. Check ‘em out, after the jump!

RULE #1: Be clear about what your relationship is from the start.

My FB and I actually met through an online dating site. We went out and hit it off, but he basically told me point blank that he “wasn’t really into dating.” I’m not entirely sure what he is into, but I suspect he thinks that when he meets “The One,” it’ll hit him over the head like a ton of bricks and he won’t have to do this whole courting process. Whatever. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t, it’s not really my concern. I tend to be more openminded and believe it takes at least a little while to know whether someone is a match for you or not. The point is, the two of us clearly were not going to be BF/GF. And that was okay! The movie fantasy is that FB/FWB eventually fall in love; I am pretty sure that in real life, that is so rare, it’s not even worth discussing. If you find yourself seriously entertaining the hope that will happen, save yourself from heartbreak and end it.

RULE #2: Find each other interesting.

Some may disagree with me on this, but I think it’s kind of necessary to be able to, like, converse with your FB. After all, you’re not having sex the entire time you’re together and awkward silences are total bonerkillers. And, I don’t know, but I find sex — even casual sex — to be hotter if I find the person I’m sexing to be smart, funny and interesting. MY FB and I actually have a decent amount in common — we like the same movies and we’re both writers. I read his screenplay and gave him feedback. In exchange, he’s going to direct the rom-com I haven’t yet started writing. The last few times we’ve hung out, we’ve talked about more personal stuff too — prior relationships, family issues, etc. I’ve even needled him about what I think are his commitment issues. I’m intrigued by him. If I wasn’t, I would probably be bored by now. And I like him as a person. That’s kind of important for this to be a regular type of thing.

RULE #3: All that being said, don’t care that much.

You can’t. Really starting to care about the other person is what leads to a FB relationship becoming unbalanced and a lack of balance ruins it. Yesterday evening, when my FB texted me about hanging out, I was somewhat inclined to take a raincheck. I had some work I could do, a few shows on my DVR that I wanted to watch, and I desperately needed a wax. But then I was like, “Eh, I haven’t gotten laid in a while, the work can wait, I can watch TV some other night, and who gives a crap that I’m hairy?” The point is, if you really, really want to see the person and will reschedule everything even if it’s terribly inconvenient, you’re probably starting to develop feelings and that is a red flag. So keep an eye on that.

RULE #4: Don’t see each other too often.

One way I think you can kind of keep the caring at bay is by seeing each other regularly but not so regularly that you might as well be dating. My FB and I see each other in spurts. Sometimes we’ll see each other every couple weeks; sometimes, we’ll go a few months without contact. I was in a relationship for a few months last year, so when he booty called, I said as much and that was that. Then when I was single again, we picked things back up. The good thing about hooking up every couple weeks to a month is that you naturally have plenty to talk about when you do see each other. My FB just got back from a trip to North Africa — fascinating!

RULE #5: Know your relationship has a shelf-life.

And be okay with that. Right now, having a FB really works for me because I’m actually totally in love with someone else with whom the timing is very wrong. It’s complicated. I can’t get into it. Basically, I’m sorting shit out in my head and heart. But my sex drive revs on! My FB satiates my libido but is not an emotional distraction. Likewise, I know that at some point he may meet someone and want to end things. Hell, I may never hear from him again. That would be fine with me. I’d wish him well. It’s gotta end sometime!

RULE #6: Be really, really sexually attracted.

At the end of the day, I have a lot of fun f**king this dude. Sex is ultimately brings us together every single time. If you’re not having fun in bed there really isn’t any point to this kind of arrangement.

As a woman 32 years of age who has spent as much time single as she’s spent attached, boy oh boy do I have tales from the field. (And by “the field,” I mean the casual sex/dating circuit.) One thing I’ve learned we all do from time to time: make weird, embarrassing, outlandish exclamations during sex. The weirdest thing I’ve ever said relates to an early 2005 spanking incident … but I’ll leave it at that, and instead focus on embarrassing anonymous sources instead of myself.

For your enjoyment (and edification?), here’s a roundup of the strangest things I’ve heard during sex.

1. “Weeee!” I knew a man who said “Weee!” every time he ejaculated. Lest you need assistance in picturing exactly what this would have sounded like, imagine a toddler flying down a slide. Imagine his mommy waiting for him at the bottom, encouraging his fun with a loud and hearty “WEEEE!” That, my friend, is exactly what it sounded like.

Related: 10 More Things Not To Say To A Guy After Sex

2. “Ay mate: why don’t I flip you over and rip you up the shitter?” So, I was dating, briefly, an Australian I’d met at a bar. He was winning and adorable in all the ways you’d want an Australian to be winning and adorable. However, this one night we went drinking, and he got drunker than I’d ever seen him, and then – once unclothed and back at my apartment – he asked the aforementioned question: “Ay mate: Why don’t I flip you over and rip you up the shitter?” Suffice it to say, his use of the verb “rip” did not help his cause. I told him “no” and it ended just days later.

3. “That was fucking. Now let’s make love.” I had an old friend I’d met freshman year of college, and years later, at the age of 26, we finally got around to sleeping together. At a certain point during the event, he was hammering away like a jack-rabbit, then suddenly and without warning, he took pause. He stopped. He looked deep into my eyes, took my face in his hands and said, “That was fucking. Now let’s make love,” and at that point, began a slow and dedicated motion to suggest he was trying to reenter the womb.

Related: 5 Things To Keep In Mind When Having Sex With Someone New

4. “Pas de bourrée, pas de bourrée, kiss.” I’d been set up on a date with a friend of a friend who worked as a regional musical theater actor. To break the ice, I’d spent the first half of our date trying to get him to do a dance move for me. “Please!” I’d said. “A high kick! Some jazz hands! Something!” He continuously declined. Until, that is, we got back to my place.

“Hey listen,” he’d said. “I think I’ve come up with what dance move I should do for you.”

And then he went, “Pas de bourrée, pas de bourrée, KISS,” while pas de bourrée-ing toward me. If you’re unfamiliar with the term (pronounced “PA-da bou-RAY”), it’s basically the French version of a triplet: Step back, step side, step front. This anecdote, I’ve filed away under the category of “Careful What You Wish For.”

Related: The 15 Cheesiest Tax Day Pickup Lines We Could Think Of

This piece was originally posted on How About We’s blog The Date Report.

Ever wonder how to hit on someone at The Kentucky Derby? These pickup lines are a safe bet:

1. I’m like the Kentucky Derby, the most exciting 2 minutes of your year.

2. Wanna get Kentucky Dirty?

3. I’ll be the boss and you can be my Secretariat.

4. You know what they say about women with large Derby hats…

5. I won’t shoot you when you’re old.

6. I know it’s a race, but let’s take our time to the finish.

7. You’ve got the superfecta key to my heart.

8. I’ll win if you show at my place.

9. Wanna see what length I can win by?

10. Let’s drink Mint Juleps and horse around.

11. Don’t make me go in circles for you.

12. I may be a long shot, but with the right trainer I could come from behind.

13. Forget this mob scene. Let’s go hit the hay together.

14. Want some of this Derby pie?

15. Wanna see my Jockeys?

16. Never tell me the odds, I know a winner when I see one.

17. I’d bet my last two dollars on you.

18. How’d you make out at the races? No seriously, show me.

19. Would you be mad if I wanted a photo finish?

20. When I said let’s, “Go for Gin” and “Foolish Pleasure” and never “Behave Yourself,” or have “Regret,” I was clearly listing past Kentucky Derby winners.

21. As a hot filly and a stud, we could make some Derby winners.

22. Are your pants in the Kentucky Derby? Annnnnnnd they’re off!

23. Those eyes. That smile. That body. You’re a Triple Crown winner.