We’ve all been guilty of it: the middle-of-the-night hookup that was so loud our roommates heard every bit of it. And possibly the neighbors, too. It’s not that we mean to interrupt anyone else’s beauty sleep, of course. It just happened. Er, loudly. But when you reach a certain age — like, say, when you’re old enough to be putting money into a 401K — you really have to cut that out. Your relationship with the person who has the ability who “accidentally” delete your entire TiVo queue depends upon it!
After the jump, eight ways to still have your middle-of-the-night booty call, but do it quietly.
1. Do NOT make a bunch of noise coming into your apartment/house before the big event. You should be doing this anyway, because you are a considerate roommate. In the name of all that is holy, come in the front door quietly. I would bet 99 percent of roommates and neighbors are not woken up by the sounds of headboards sexily rattling the walls, but by some drunk ding-dong accidentally slamming the door behind them, loudly kicking off their shoes, and announcing “MY BEDROOM IS THISSHHHHH WAY.”
2. No music. You might think that Miguel playlist will drown out the sounds of sex. You are wrong. It just annoys your roommate with the sounds of a Miguel playlist at 3:20 am..
3. If you have a squeaky bed, fuck on the floor. Or standing up. Or in the shower. Or on the futon. Then wash the futon tomorrow.
4. No spanking or paddling. You might have been a very, very bad girl, but your spanking is going to have to wait. Try as you might, it’s difficult to do this quietly. Even if it’s not a loud crack!, it can still be heard through the walls as a distinct thump!. And don’t throw your vibrators on the floor!
5. Muffle your moans and groans with pillows. Don’t smother anybody. We’re not making a snuff film here. But if you need a pillow on the face to moan into, by all means use it!
6. Keep condoms, lube, a box of tissues, and a towel in your room. The other one percent of roommates who aren’t woken up by you noisily coming in the front door are woken up by your drunken lurch to the bathroom to grab some tissues and wipe up his mess. This is why you have a goodie drawer, y’all.
7. Challenge yourself to have the quietest hookup possible. Loud orgasms are sexy, sure. But silent ones that channel the tension into, say, gripping the sheets or running your nails down his back, can also be super hot.
8. If you do wake up your roommate, find some way to apologize. A hot, steaming coffee and bacon-egg-and-cheese the next morning will do wonders to ease diplomatic relations.
Any other tips? Let us know in the comments!
[Photo of woman annoyed at being woken up from Shutterstock]
